Hellenic Club Trattoria, Hellenic Club Woden – Emphasis on Hell Service

As I’ve said before – Canberreans are known for putting up with crappy restaurants, bad service and sh#te food – but going to the Hellenic Club Trattoria – this demonstrates that Canberreans recommend crappy restaurants.

After being recommended to go to the Hellenic Club Trattoria by a friend’s work colleague – we decided to give it a go.

If you aren’t familiar with the Hellenic Club – it is Canberra’s Greek club – complete with a tacky Greek-style entrance (think the Pantheon but cheap and nasty), a tacky Pokie Machine room (“Zeus’ Lounge”, “Triton’s Lounge” - Queen of the Nile a-hoy!), several tacky themed entertainment rooms (the Apollo Room, the Olympus Room, the Aegean Room, etc etc), a pretty ordinary bistro serving non-greek food (of course!) and the Hellenic Club Trattoria – their Italian restaurant.

Now – there was something tweaking in the back of my mind when we entered the club – “why are we going to an Italian restaurant in a Greek club??!”. But I was reassured by one of my friends that the Italian Club in Manuka does great Chinese…

As we grabbed our table, my mate and I strolled up to the bar and wanted to order a couple of beers… We were confronted by a fat girl who looked not too dissimilar to Mama Fratelli from "The Goonies". For about a minute – she refused to make eye contact – then she suddenly snapped at us – “Are you dining here? You need to take a seat…!!”. Hey – she even had the attitude of Mama Fratelli to match the look. We managed to leave an order with her for our beers then we made our way back to the table.

After waiting for about 15 minutes – we had noticed that there were a couple of beers sitting on the bar counter. The evil Mama Fratelli was giving us a few evil looks. She then proceeded to use a straw to stir the two beers on the counter. One of my friends thought this was fairly “queer” (in the non-sexual way) – and then began to give Mama the death stare… One of the drone wait staff picked up the two beers (we had ordered three) and plonked them down on our table. We then quizzed the drone why had Mama Fratelli stirred our beers with a straw? The drone replied “to keep the head on the beer”. How bout just repouring the beer – or perhaps serving them as soon as they was poured?! We snapped back at the drone – complaining that we had ordered three beers – and they quickly brought out the third beer after that.

After waiting for another 10 minutes (is this a common theme in this blog??!) we managed to get a psychic connection with some of the waiting drones – and they took our order (on a giant order pad complete with all the menu selections – klassy with a “k”).

The food wasn’t very prompt – it took about an hour for our mains to come out (two pizzas and a pasta dish)…

I had ordered a “Mediterranean” Pizza – which sounded sort of exotic on the menu. But in reality – it was more like “do you want some pizza with your cheese??”. My other friend’s pizza was just the same – tonnes of cheese, not much topping. To make matters worse – the pizza base looked and tasted like it was from Pizza Hut… eggh!

OK – so what are the lessons here:

1. Don’t let any Canberrean give you recommendations on good restaurants (except for my blog – which only speaks the truth)!
2. Don’t go to the Hellenic Club for food (whether it be the Trattoria or the Bistro)!
3. Don’t go to a Greek club for Italian food!!
4. Hope in hell you don’t have Mama Fratelli serve you at the bar…!

On another note – well before the days of Work Choices and new Australian Industrial Relation laws – I used to be a uni student / part-time waiter. About 6 years ago - I once had a “trial” at the Hellenic Club bistro – where I was to demonstrate my waiting skills (or lack thereof) for three hours in the bistro on a public holiday (ANZAC Day – the most significant non-religious public holiday in Australia)… Admittedly – I was a pretty lousy waiter – but I didn’t even get a phone call back from the Hellenic Club – even though I gave them three hours of my time on a public holiday (ANZAC Day no less)…!! I think the Hellenic Club’s workplace relations puts Work Choices and John Howard to shame…

Hungry Jack's - Marulan, NSW

After traveling up and back to the magical New South Wales' Mental Coast (a ka Central Coast - lots of oldies) in the same day, my brother and I mistakenly decided to have dinner at Hungry Jack's at Marulan - a petrol stop along the Hume Highway between Sydney and Goulburn.

No thanks to Morgan Spurlock and the whole "Fast Food Nation" / "Super Size Me" phenomena, all fast food chains are soon discovering that people these days are a lot more discerning about health and quality foods then they did during those heddy days of the fast food eighties and nineties... Mc Donalds have introduced some Subway inspired range of sandwiches and salads to try and win back some lost customers - those fed up with cold greasy burgers with caloriffic fries...

Having not been to the gym (or as Homer Simpson calls it - the "gyme") for a whole day - I thought I might try something that sounds vaguely healthy - so I had ordered a "Vegie Supreme Baguette" meal (after waiting in line for the incompetent Marulan staff got their s### together)...

After waiting for a speedy five minutes - my meal was ready...

To my disgust - the Vegie "Supreme" Baguette consisted of:
- a semi stale bun;
- two hash browns (lol!!) with a bit of green and corn stuff in it to make it seem more "Vegie Supreme"'
- on one side of the hash browns - lettuce and tomato , on the other - plastic cheese (lol!!!); and
- that favourite double extra - mayonnaise on one side - tomato sauce (or ketchup) on the other...

Wow - I think a Double Whopper with Bacon and Cheese would be somewhat healthier than this deep fried doggie do-do...

Doing a check on the Hungry Jack's website - it consists of 23.2g's of fat (getting up there for burger king / hungry jack's products) - but also contains 2249kj's which (according to my quick google search) - calculates to 537 calories... I might has well just have a deep fried mars bars - at least it would taste better than the Vegie Supreme!!

Normally I wouldn't order fries with a meal at McDonalds or Hungry Jacks - but the inner accountant was screaming when a Meal with Fries and a Medium Drink was cheaper than the Baguette and a Small drink bought separately - so I went with the meal.... Unfortunately - they probably should have warned me when I was ordering - "Do you want fries with your salt?" - because they were up there in the deadly salt stakes...!

Overall - I came to the conclusion that Hungry Jack's isn't the sort of place you want to visit on a diet, or if you still have any functioning taste buds...

I've never been a big fan of Hungry Jack's / Burger King - the meat always tastes a little funny and none of their chicken fillet burgers / baguettes contain 100% chicken (mostly weird s### that they would serve to genetically modified monkeys in cages) - check their website if you don't believe me!

Well - I'm going to solely put the blame on the monstrosity that is a "Vegie Supreme" onto Morgan Spurlock... for making all of these fast food restaurants bring out supposedly "healthy options" which taste worse and are probably less healthy than all of their old products. I double dare Morgan Spurlock to eat (for 30 days straight) Hungry Jack's Vegie Supreme meals with a side of salt with some fries... I'm sure he wouldn't make it...

Bernadette's Cafe - Ainslie - Walk out Award!

It was a Friday night - and Ant thought it might be an idea to go to Bernadette's Cafe in Ainslie, a vegetarian cafe/restaurant (and probably the only vegetarian café in Canberra.

We called up in advance to book a table for 2 at 7pm (not hard to remember or organise peoples!).

As we got there – we said to the bewildered old lady who runs Bernadette’s (hell – she could be Bernadette!) that we had a booking for two. She looked at us like we were a bunch of idiots, looked bewildered for a bit and got a girl to get us a table. This was giving me “alarm bells” where we have booked a table – and they haven’t even organised one for you.

Usually when you book a table – you usually get prime real estate (you know – tables on windows, etc). However at Bernadette's, we walked pass two empty tables for four on the window and were shown to our claustrophobic seats in the corner. It was a table set up for three (naturally!).

We sat there for a while, with a bottle of white wine (bought from the local Supermarket) which was getting warmer by the second and twiddled our thumbs a bit.

Thinking to myself – isn’t there something missing here…. Menus perhaps?! I’m not in the position to use psychic abilities to read the menu from across the room – so we both needed two hard copy, physical menus.

Both of us began to stare at Bernadette (the sort of Sharon Stone Sliver stalker – you like to watch, don’t you? – sort of look). She made eye contact with us for about four seconds – both of us were doing our “death stare – I want service!” look. After looking at us, then looking a bit more bewildered, she then rushed off to another table to give them cutlery and food or something.

As this was happening, a two new groups of two entered the restaurant wanting service. This made Bernadette look even more lost and confused. After glancing at us for a second time (second death stare at her) – she left not only us waiting but also the people who came into the restaurant. We were still menu-less.

After a while, and thinking outside of the box – she sat both of the new parties down at a table for four (whilst dragging the two tables apart). Bernadette then proceeded to give them cutlery and glass ware.

For the third time – she made eye contact with us – where both were trying to tell her psychically “We want menus now or else we are leaving!!”. Again the eye contact was prolonged and again – she looked bewildered and went over, got some menus and planted them on the new tables.

I was saying to Ant – “F### this for a joke” and I leaped up out of the table, grabbed the bottle of wine and made a bum-rush for the door. On Ant’s way out – he made eye contact with Bernadette for a final time – she still looked bewildered and confused.

Of note – it wasn’t like Bernadette’s was that busy. There were empty tables here there and everywhere – I just don’t think Bernadette can cut it when it comes to customer service or even basic food and beverage attendant duties such as “giving out menus in the space of 10 minutes). Although most people in Canberra would probably tolerate this sort of crud, I’m a strong believer of “If you don’t serve me menus in 10 minutes, then you don’t deserve my business”.

Thus Bernadette’s wins our first “Walk Out Award” for 2006. Previous winners of this includes the now non-existent “La Porchetta” in Woden (where, like Bernadette’s, they two failed to provide menus in the space of 10 minutes) and “Gus’s Café” in Garema Place in Civic (whereby we got the menus, but didn’t get any service after that). And how could I forget “My Café” in Manuka – where we got service and menus, but the chicken focaccia came with maggots!

So instead of getting nukes and dynamite – I’m giving it a “Walk Out” score.

Canberra Centre- That's My Style (if you like fire alarms and half cooked pizzas)

Last weekend - Ant and I tripped the light fantastic and pottered on down to our local "food trough" - the Canberra Centre.

The Canberra Centre prides itself on being the ritzy-iest shopping centre of them all (well in Canberra anyway)... There is Boost Juice (ooh la la), the Coffee Club (ooh la la la), Kentucky Fried Chicken (tres bien!) but unfortunately - no Ohh La La.

Having doing a "lap" of the food trough (aka court) outlets - everything was looking rather depressing. After being touted by the staff at "Cafe Evropi" who are trying to sell their luke-warm not so fresh pasta to anyone who is within 10 meters of the shop (be warned! This is the only place in Australia where you get touted!) - we headed to the food trough shop "Neptune's Carvery". With a name like that - it has just got to be great.... right??? (~~cough~!).

They had some Asian couple running the place - but instead of serving up their native cuisine - they were dishing up some "white bread" stuff including "ChickenSchnitzelss on a roll", "Roast Pork on a roll", "Minute Steak on a roll" and some "Pizza sitting in the display oven for a day".

Ant and I both choose the "Pizza sitting in the display oven for a day" Special which included a 600ml Coke for the princely sum of $8.50.

In order to make the food barely edible - the woman had to put our stale pizzas in a sandwich press for a couple of minutes (ahh - sandwich pressing pizzas - that traditional way of cooking a true Italian pizza!!).

After munching down (slowly) a slice of the "seafood pizza" - Ant asked me "do you like it?". I responded "It's OK." Ant knows that I say that something is "OK" - it isn't good...

As I took a bite from my second slice - the Canberra Centre fire alarm went off. It wasn't the "woooohhhh woooooooh" alarm but the "err err err" alarm (you know - the one where you don't evacuate!). What a stylish way to end our stylish dinner at the super stylish food court (sorry - I meant to say trough) that is the Canberra Centre Food Trough!

When the "woooohhhh woooohhhh" sound went off - Ant and I knew it was time to take our pizzas and eat them elsewhere. Canberra Centre was in a bit of a mess... The store owners all looked bedazzled and confused, the shoppers tried to keep on shopping and the guy over the P.A system was completely inaudible.

When we made it to the outside - Ant and I wanted to get some T-Shirts made up saying "We Survived the Canberra Centre Fire Alarm 2006". Thankfully - there was no real fire - because if there was - there was no one guarding the front entrances to the Centre - and we saw heaps of people wandering in (despite the "Wooooohh wooooohh" alarm going off).

Despite the Canberra Centre being a very ritzy mall (hello "Hot Dollar" and "Crazy Johns") - the food trough is not so ritzy. Two undercooked pizzas sitting on display for a whole day out of five.

Montezuma's Restaurant - Canberra City

Montezuma's has the reputation of being the best Mexican restaurant in Canberra. Also of note - it is the only Mexican restaurant in Canberra - so therefore, by deduction, it also has to be the worst Mexican restaurant in Canberra.

I'd been a couple of years ago to have a work function here - and I could remember the miserable platters (bits of rice and some crappy nachos) and the dingy atmosphere... So I have tended to avoid this place like the bird-flu plague.

But a couple of friends of ours were wanting to celebrate their birthday at a Mexican restaurant - so therefore due to the fact that there aren't any other Mexican restaurants - they choose to book a table at Montezuma's - despite my repeated warnings not to go.

Upon arrival - you go down a stairwell - and the first thing that hits you is the smell. Not a "good Mexican food" smell (if there is such a thing), rather a bad "dead granny who has been rotting away in her NSW public housing apartment unit for two months" sort of smell. To protect the innocent - "V" - our friend - turned to me and gave me the "this is smelly - why are we here?" look. But - because it was "J's" birthday (our other friend) - we had come here for Mexican food which J had wanted.

We waited around the front looking like stooges before one of the "ditzy" looking waiters took us to our 4 seat table. V had found a "birthday" deal for Montezumas on the internet - whereby if you were celebrating someone's birthday - you can get a free main meal. Not such a bad deal. V had also confirmed with the staff over the phone whether or not you needed to bring a coupon - they said - don't worry about it. But of course, in true Canberra style service - they said you needed the coupon and you won't be getting any special birthday meal.... rrrwwah!

The decor of the restaurant was sort of like a Mexican serial killer's damp dark basement. Sort of like a Mexican version of Buffalo Bill's basement in "The Silence of the Lamb". I kept thinking there was going to be some crazy Mexican serial killer demanding me to put "the lotion in basket!".

Being a Mexican restaurant - we were all keen (except for Ant) to drink Margaritas - which are my "honest to god" favourite cocktails of all time. The menu claimed (amongst other things) that they serve the "second best Margaritas in the world". Despite being a restaurant with alleged table service - you have to go to the bar and get your drinks yourself (even Coke!).

V and I wandered over - wanting to get a "Grande" Margarita to search between V, J and myself. Despite this claim of serving the "second best Margaritas in the world" - the guy served it from a "Margarita Slushy" machine... (a form of Margaritas that gives Margaritas a bad name!). Not quite sure of the "second best Margaritas in the world" - perhaps they served it up to some homeless dude who had been sniffing petrol before drinking the slushy margarita.

When we got back to the table - we had been sitting around waiting for about 15 minutes for someone to take our order. I asked to everyone "do we really still want to eat here?" - but it wasn't my birthday - so we stuck with it.

After about waiting for another 15 minutes for someone to take our order - I started to wave the menu up in the air to try to catch their attention. I also started doing the Pulp Fiction "Garson!" thing - but no one would respond. 5 minutes later (after waiting for more than half an hour in total) - V got up and grabbed the pimply-teenage twat from the front counter to take our menu. Montezuma's used to have a "flag" system - whereby you raise a flag on your table - and you will get served. However - they seem to be downsizing - and the flags have been made redundant. Perhaps that is why you can't get service there - because the staff can't cope with the lack of flags.

Ant thought they were "over-sloganing" in their menu. Not only did they boast about their "second best Margaritas in the world" - but they were also "Leaders in Mexican Food", "The Taste of Mexico" and "Where locals meet to eat". I was thinking that I probably should take them up to the ACCC for mis-leading advertising.

We had ordered a few entree Nachos, cornchips and dips and had each ordered a "special" wherby you get various dishes for about $17 a head (including a enchiladas, some rice, a taco and "chili con carne".

After about 20 minutes - the entrees arrived. These were probably the best thing here (that said - this is Canberra - where Mediocrity rules). Unfortunately we had made the mistake of ordering something else for a main dish.

When the mains arrived (30 minutes later)- they were the skankiest Mexican food I have ever had. My plate (and everyone elses for that matter) - looked like the chef had thrown up on a dish - put some cheese and rice on a plate - and nuked it in an oven.

Since I desired a chicken and sour cream enchilada - I had ordered a "Chicken" special - which had the chicken enchilada plus a chicken "taco" and some non-chicken "chili con carne). I started on the chicken taco - something I have never had a great love for. If you are going to have tacos - you either need minced beef or beans - chicken on a taco is just not right. Despite that - the Montezuma's Chicken Taco was the most "unholy" chicken tacos I have had. The taco felt very wet (probably due to the fact that the lettuce wasn't dry) - and the chicken was giving me flashbacks to the chicken that they serve up at union cafes at University (where the chicken wasn't exactly chicken)...

After digesting the taco - I had to scull down some more Margaritas to kill the taste. We had ordered another grande slushy Margarita from the bar - this time it was a "Strawberry" Maragarita. The bartender just poured some strawberry crap in a big tube into the glass - and topped it up with the lemon flavoured slushy Maragarita in the vending machine... So if you order anything other then the lemon Maragarita - it is more watered down. Also they don't serve the grande Maragaritas with salt or lemon - que?! Also - everytime you ask for a Grande - they keep trying to charge you different prices ($20, $25, $30 - take your pick).

Back to my meal - I had a few mouthfuls of the "Chili Con Carne". When you think of "Chili Con Carne" you probably think of a flavoursome chili/beef/red kidney bean mix which is colourful and yummy. However - Montezumas destroys all of that - with their "chili Con Carne" Con Dirt concoction. It was black dirt-like substance which tasted like it looked. Also - it had felt like they had kept it on the hot-plate for about 6 hours (slow cooking a la Hog's Breath - don't get me started on Hog's!). It was pretty gross.

To top that off - I had about a quarter of the Chicken Enchiladas with non-visible sour cream. It had to be the most heavy dish I have ever had. So much so - I could only have a couple of mouthfuls before I had the sensation like I was going to bring it up all over the restaurant table.

I'm definitely the type of person that will finish what ever you put in front of my face - usually out of courtesy.

But my gut was saying.... "I need to go to the toilet"... So I attempted to bring up dinner at the toilet cubicle. Although I had been drinking most of the night (even strange sake / grapefruit concoctions at Hippos earlier that night) - it wasn't the alcohol that was making me violently ill. It was the overcooked, over fatty, over vommitty main meal that my stomach couldn't handle. Unfortunately - I couldn't vomit it out (in order to clense my system from the foul Mexican crimes against humanities) - so I went back out to the table and drank some more slushy (which made me feel better!).

So - in conclusion - I think that Montezuma's not only lived up to its "hype" of being one of the worst restaurants in Canberra - it truly surpassed that hype and was probably "one of the worst restaurants I've been to in my life". I can't remember having a meal (an expensive one at that) - and want to throw it up almost immediately. Ant had the same problems I had (only a couple of hours later) - where he wanted to chuck up all the food. The service was truly terrible and unprofessional. Who goes to a restaurant - pays up to $20 a head on a main - and then has to walk over to the bar and get their own drinks?! I think I make 10 times better Mexican at home (which comes out of a packet - but you don't have the "I want to bring this food up" sensation when you eat it).

This is getting our lowest score ever - Minus five overcooked spew chucks out of five (AKA Nuke Score!).

Search for Mediocrity

Welcome...

...to "Search for Mediorcity"... a blog about really crap restaurant / cafe / food / drink experiences in Canberra, ACT, Australia.

Restaurants in Canberra are usually just striving for mediocrity - but a lot fail miserably. Whether it be through the lack of competition, the really bad uni-student service, the Canberra people that keep going back to the same dive restaurants, or the occasional weevils in your chicken focaccias (hello - "My Cafe" at Manuka - big shout out to you!) - Canberra has more crappy restaurants, cafes and fast food joints than any other Australian city per capita or square meter.

I am going to blatently "steal" the rating system from the excellent website - www.mrcranky.com - but for food and wine:

1 Bomb:

Almost Tolerable

2 Bombs:

Consistently painful

3 Bombs:

Will require medical attention after dining

4 Bombs:

As good as a poke in the eye with a sharp fork

Dynamite:

So gawd-awful that it ruptured the very fabric of space and time with the sheer overpowering force of its mediocrity

Nuke:

Proof that Jesus died in vain

Feel free to post comments, etc to this site. And enjoy our first review - Montezuma's....