Montezuma's Restaurant - Canberra City

Montezuma's has the reputation of being the best Mexican restaurant in Canberra. Also of note - it is the only Mexican restaurant in Canberra - so therefore, by deduction, it also has to be the worst Mexican restaurant in Canberra.

I'd been a couple of years ago to have a work function here - and I could remember the miserable platters (bits of rice and some crappy nachos) and the dingy atmosphere... So I have tended to avoid this place like the bird-flu plague.

But a couple of friends of ours were wanting to celebrate their birthday at a Mexican restaurant - so therefore due to the fact that there aren't any other Mexican restaurants - they choose to book a table at Montezuma's - despite my repeated warnings not to go.

Upon arrival - you go down a stairwell - and the first thing that hits you is the smell. Not a "good Mexican food" smell (if there is such a thing), rather a bad "dead granny who has been rotting away in her NSW public housing apartment unit for two months" sort of smell. To protect the innocent - "V" - our friend - turned to me and gave me the "this is smelly - why are we here?" look. But - because it was "J's" birthday (our other friend) - we had come here for Mexican food which J had wanted.

We waited around the front looking like stooges before one of the "ditzy" looking waiters took us to our 4 seat table. V had found a "birthday" deal for Montezumas on the internet - whereby if you were celebrating someone's birthday - you can get a free main meal. Not such a bad deal. V had also confirmed with the staff over the phone whether or not you needed to bring a coupon - they said - don't worry about it. But of course, in true Canberra style service - they said you needed the coupon and you won't be getting any special birthday meal.... rrrwwah!

The decor of the restaurant was sort of like a Mexican serial killer's damp dark basement. Sort of like a Mexican version of Buffalo Bill's basement in "The Silence of the Lamb". I kept thinking there was going to be some crazy Mexican serial killer demanding me to put "the lotion in basket!".

Being a Mexican restaurant - we were all keen (except for Ant) to drink Margaritas - which are my "honest to god" favourite cocktails of all time. The menu claimed (amongst other things) that they serve the "second best Margaritas in the world". Despite being a restaurant with alleged table service - you have to go to the bar and get your drinks yourself (even Coke!).

V and I wandered over - wanting to get a "Grande" Margarita to search between V, J and myself. Despite this claim of serving the "second best Margaritas in the world" - the guy served it from a "Margarita Slushy" machine... (a form of Margaritas that gives Margaritas a bad name!). Not quite sure of the "second best Margaritas in the world" - perhaps they served it up to some homeless dude who had been sniffing petrol before drinking the slushy margarita.

When we got back to the table - we had been sitting around waiting for about 15 minutes for someone to take our order. I asked to everyone "do we really still want to eat here?" - but it wasn't my birthday - so we stuck with it.

After about waiting for another 15 minutes for someone to take our order - I started to wave the menu up in the air to try to catch their attention. I also started doing the Pulp Fiction "Garson!" thing - but no one would respond. 5 minutes later (after waiting for more than half an hour in total) - V got up and grabbed the pimply-teenage twat from the front counter to take our menu. Montezuma's used to have a "flag" system - whereby you raise a flag on your table - and you will get served. However - they seem to be downsizing - and the flags have been made redundant. Perhaps that is why you can't get service there - because the staff can't cope with the lack of flags.

Ant thought they were "over-sloganing" in their menu. Not only did they boast about their "second best Margaritas in the world" - but they were also "Leaders in Mexican Food", "The Taste of Mexico" and "Where locals meet to eat". I was thinking that I probably should take them up to the ACCC for mis-leading advertising.

We had ordered a few entree Nachos, cornchips and dips and had each ordered a "special" wherby you get various dishes for about $17 a head (including a enchiladas, some rice, a taco and "chili con carne".

After about 20 minutes - the entrees arrived. These were probably the best thing here (that said - this is Canberra - where Mediocrity rules). Unfortunately we had made the mistake of ordering something else for a main dish.

When the mains arrived (30 minutes later)- they were the skankiest Mexican food I have ever had. My plate (and everyone elses for that matter) - looked like the chef had thrown up on a dish - put some cheese and rice on a plate - and nuked it in an oven.

Since I desired a chicken and sour cream enchilada - I had ordered a "Chicken" special - which had the chicken enchilada plus a chicken "taco" and some non-chicken "chili con carne). I started on the chicken taco - something I have never had a great love for. If you are going to have tacos - you either need minced beef or beans - chicken on a taco is just not right. Despite that - the Montezuma's Chicken Taco was the most "unholy" chicken tacos I have had. The taco felt very wet (probably due to the fact that the lettuce wasn't dry) - and the chicken was giving me flashbacks to the chicken that they serve up at union cafes at University (where the chicken wasn't exactly chicken)...

After digesting the taco - I had to scull down some more Margaritas to kill the taste. We had ordered another grande slushy Margarita from the bar - this time it was a "Strawberry" Maragarita. The bartender just poured some strawberry crap in a big tube into the glass - and topped it up with the lemon flavoured slushy Maragarita in the vending machine... So if you order anything other then the lemon Maragarita - it is more watered down. Also they don't serve the grande Maragaritas with salt or lemon - que?! Also - everytime you ask for a Grande - they keep trying to charge you different prices ($20, $25, $30 - take your pick).

Back to my meal - I had a few mouthfuls of the "Chili Con Carne". When you think of "Chili Con Carne" you probably think of a flavoursome chili/beef/red kidney bean mix which is colourful and yummy. However - Montezumas destroys all of that - with their "chili Con Carne" Con Dirt concoction. It was black dirt-like substance which tasted like it looked. Also - it had felt like they had kept it on the hot-plate for about 6 hours (slow cooking a la Hog's Breath - don't get me started on Hog's!). It was pretty gross.

To top that off - I had about a quarter of the Chicken Enchiladas with non-visible sour cream. It had to be the most heavy dish I have ever had. So much so - I could only have a couple of mouthfuls before I had the sensation like I was going to bring it up all over the restaurant table.

I'm definitely the type of person that will finish what ever you put in front of my face - usually out of courtesy.

But my gut was saying.... "I need to go to the toilet"... So I attempted to bring up dinner at the toilet cubicle. Although I had been drinking most of the night (even strange sake / grapefruit concoctions at Hippos earlier that night) - it wasn't the alcohol that was making me violently ill. It was the overcooked, over fatty, over vommitty main meal that my stomach couldn't handle. Unfortunately - I couldn't vomit it out (in order to clense my system from the foul Mexican crimes against humanities) - so I went back out to the table and drank some more slushy (which made me feel better!).

So - in conclusion - I think that Montezuma's not only lived up to its "hype" of being one of the worst restaurants in Canberra - it truly surpassed that hype and was probably "one of the worst restaurants I've been to in my life". I can't remember having a meal (an expensive one at that) - and want to throw it up almost immediately. Ant had the same problems I had (only a couple of hours later) - where he wanted to chuck up all the food. The service was truly terrible and unprofessional. Who goes to a restaurant - pays up to $20 a head on a main - and then has to walk over to the bar and get their own drinks?! I think I make 10 times better Mexican at home (which comes out of a packet - but you don't have the "I want to bring this food up" sensation when you eat it).

This is getting our lowest score ever - Minus five overcooked spew chucks out of five (AKA Nuke Score!).